“Great!” Tina says. “Let’s go now, so <<continue "we have enough time.”">>we have enough time.”\n\nThey drag me to the bathroom, and <<continue "I fidget all throughout the experience.">>I fidget all throughout the experience.\n\nTina almost pokes me in the eye with <<continue "eyeliner.">>eyeliner, and Shannon tries to distract me by telling horrible jokes that only <<continue "fall flat.">>fall flat.\n\n<div class="mirror">The bell finally rings and we all look into the mirror at their finished work.</div>\n\n<<timedcontinue 3s>>“There, <<continue "don’t you feel better?” Tina says.">>don’t you feel better?” Tina says.\n\n<<continue "I don't.">>I don't.\n\n<div class="mirror">They both turn away to get their bags, but I stare in a moment longer.</div>\n\n<<timedcontinue 3s>>My makeup is <<continue "flawless.">>flawless.\n<div class="sinister">My makeup</div> <div class="red">begins to run.</div>\n\nI try not to cry as I look away. It feels less like a reflection now, and more like [[a prophecy.|Part 3]]

<h2 style="margin:0; padding:0;">Thank you for playing</h2>\n\n<h1 style="margin-top:0; padding-top:0;">That Sinister Self</h1>\n\nLet me know what you thought on <a href="https://twitter.com/dastridly" target="_blank">twitter</a> or <a href="http://dastridly.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">tumblr</a>, and sign up to the <a href="http://eepurl.com/bjxE5b" target="_blank">Dastridly Deeds email list</a> for updates on any new projects. <br />You can also check out <a href="http://astriddalmady.com/" target="_blank">my website</a> for more games, podcasts and stories.\n\n<u>You've reached the following endings:</u>\n\n<<if $good is 1>>1. The Triumphant Ending<<else>>1. ????<<endif>>\n<<if $mid is 1>>2. The Contagious Ending<<else>>2. ????<<endif>>\n<<if $bad is 1>>3. The Doppelganger Ending<<else>>3. ????<<endif>>\n\n[[Begin Again|One]]\n[[Credits]]

After dinner, I brush my teeth with <<continue "my eyes closed.">>my eyes closed.\n\n<<continue "It doesn’t make a difference.">>It doesn’t make a difference.\n\n<div class="red">Bitch</div>\nI hear my own voice, taunting me, and <<continue "I open my eyes.">>I open my eyes.\n\n<<continue "I’m scared.">>I’m scared.\n<div class="sinister">I’m</div> <div class="red">smiling.</div>\nThe glass seems to ripple with her voice, while my lips stay still.\n<div class="sinister">The glass seems to ripple with</div> <div class="red">my</div> <div class="sinister">voice, while her lips stay</div> <div class="red">move.</div>\n\n<ul><li>[[Enough!][$game +=1]]</li><li>[[I run away.]]</li></ul>\n

I go to the bathroom <<continue "before class starts.">>before class starts, and make sure to fix my hair <<continue "in front of the mirror.">>in front of the mirror.\n\n<<continue "It’s perfect.">>It’s perfect.\n\n<div class="mirror">I wave.</div>\n<<timedcontinue 2s>><<continue "I smile.">>I smile.\n<div class="me">I scream.</div>\n<<remember $bad to 1>>\n<<timedcontinue 3s>>[[The End|End]]

“Yeah... just been having weird dreams,” <<continue "I say instead.">>I say instead.\n\nThis all had to be just <<continue "one big dream.">>one big dream.\n\nTina, who's a staple at our table now, says <<continue "“Yeah that sucks.”">>“Yeah that sucks. I hate waking up <<continue "after bad dreams.”">>after bad dreams, I <<continue "look in the mirror.”">>look in the mirror and it's like I don't even <<continue "look like myself.”">>look like myself.”\n\n[[Girl, you have no idea...]]

My mom cries when <<continue "she finds me.">>she finds me, <<continue "still in the bathroom.">>still in the bathroom, <<continue "keeping my eye on my reflection the whole time.">>keeping my eye on my reflection the whole time.\n\n“We’ll get you some help, okay? We’ll get you <<continue "anything you need.”">>anything you need.”\n\n<<continue "I say yes.">>I say yes, and she hugs me <<continue "so tight.">>so tight.\n\nShe’s here, [[she’s real|real]] and solid against me, nothing like the ripple of glass.

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Tina continues, "You know what always <<continue "helps me?”">>helps me? <<continue "Putting on some makeup.”">>Putting on some makeup. It’s like I can control what <<continue "I see in the mirror now.”">>I see in the mirror now. <<continue "I can be the person I want to be.”">>I can be the person I want to be.”\n\nWhen she puts it that way <<continue "it sounds nice.">>it sounds nice.\n\n<<continue "But I’m not really sure.">>But I’m not really sure.<<nobr>><<if $makeup is "no">>\n I don’t really like makeup, and I certainly wasn’t getting into any new bathroom routines now.<<endif>><<if $makeup is "just a little bit of">> I haven’t worn makeup since the first day. I miss it, but is it worth the risk?<<endif>><<endnobr>>\n\nBut Shannon latches on to the idea, “Yeah that’d be great! We can go during lunch and just make you up, like a little spa treatment here at school. <<continue "What do you think?”">>What do you think?”\n<<if $makeup is "just a little bit of">><ul><li>[[I miss wearing makeup, and I can’t let some trick of the light stop me from doing what I like.|makeup yes][$game +=1]]</li><li>[[I know it will make me feel better, but I just can't...|makeup no]]</li></ul><<endif>>\n<<if $makeup is "no">><ul><li>[[I don’t really like make-up, but I'm the only one. I guess I could, so I don't disappoint them.|bare yes]]</li><li>[[No Way! I’m not risking the mirror over something I don't even like..|bare no][$game +=1]]</li></ul><<endif>>

<h1>That Sinister Self</h1>\n\n<h2 class ="mirror">A Twine game by <a href="http://astriddalmady.com" target="_blank">Astrid Dalmady</a></h2>\n<h3 class ="mirror">This game is optimized for webkit browsers. Some elements may not display properly on Firefox or IE.</h3>\n\n<div class="center mirror"><span class="big">[[PLAY|One]]</span></div>\n<div class="center mirror">[[credits|Credits]]</div>

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I struggle wildly, <<continue "trying to pull back.">>trying to pull back.\n\n<<continue "I won't give in.">>I won't give in.\n\nI’m not <<cyclinglink "worthless" "a loser" "pathetic">>.\n\nI’m more than what <<continue "reflects in glass and silver.">>reflects in glass and silver.\n\n“GET AWAY FROM ME!” <<continue "I scream.">>I scream.\n<div class="red">“never never never never never”</div> <div class="sinister">I scream.</div>\n<<continue "I struggle.">> I will <em>always</em> struggle!\n\n[[I’m stronger than this.|strong]]\n<<fadeoutsound "tssmusic/mirror2reverse.mp3" >>

If it didn't sound so stupid, <<continue "I'd ask someone.">>I'd ask someone.\n\nI mean, it has to just be <<continue "all in my head.">>all in my head.\n\nStill, in the mornings, I spend as little time as I can <<continue "in the bathroom.">>in the bathroom. Just in case...\n\nMy mom notices, of course, but all I get from her are <<replace>>worried looks.<<becomes>><em>pitying</em> looks.\n\nAnd, on Friday, I know I get to school looking [[even worse than usual.]]<<endreplace>>

<<replace>>Shannon is<<becomes>> Shannon and Tina are<<endreplace>> at my side in a moment, as I feel <<continue "tears start to well up in my eyes.">>tears start to well up in my eyes.\n\nThey ask if <<continue "I’m okay.">>I’m okay.\n\n<<continue "I’m not.">>I'm not.\n \nTina <<continue "offers me her hoodie.">>offers me her hoodie, and I take it, running to [[the bathroom]] before anyone else can see.

<<continue "“Hey! You made it.”">>“Hey! You made it,” she <<replace>>says,<<becomes>>finally says,<<endreplace>> smiling, and nods towards <<continue "the new girl.">>the new girl.\n\n<<continue "“This is Tina.”">>“This is Tina. She’s new here, so I figured she could <<continue "sit with us.”">>sit with us.”\n\nI smile. Tina says <<continue "it’s great to meet me.">>it’s great to meet me. <<continue "I probably say the same.">>I probably say the same.\n\nSitting next to each other, she and Shannon look like they’ve always been friends. <<continue "They match.">>They match.\n\nIn my head, I think two things at almost the same time.<<timedcontinue 2s>><ul><li>[[Maybe now I can make another friend...|fine][$game +=1]]</li><li>[[I don’t belong here anymore...|not fine]]</li></ul>\n

“Maybe not today,” I say, and they both frown. <<continue "“B-but thanks.”">>“B-but thanks.”\n\n“Oh,” Shannon looks disappointed, and shame curdles in my stomach. <<continue "“Maybe some other day?”">>“Maybe some other day?”\n\n<<continue "“Maybe.”">>“Maybe.”\n\nThey change the subject, but I still feel awful. I want it, but <<continue "I'm too scared.">>I'm too scared.\n\nI barely touch my jello, and spend the rest of the day [[avoiding glass.|makeup no 2]]

<<continue "I'm alone in the bathroom.">>I'm alone in the bathroom.\n\n<div class="mirror">Just me and the loser in the mirror.</div>\n\n<<timedcontinue 2s>>I wash off most of the tomato stains from my face, and pluck ground beef from my hair. <<continue "My shirt's a total loss.">>My shirt's a total loss.\n\nAnd Tina’s sweater <<continue "barely fits me.">>barely fits me.\n\nI run my right hand through my hair, to make sure I don't have anything sitting in it.\n<div class="sinister">I run my</div> <div class="red">left</div> <div class="sinister">hand through my hair, to make sure I don't have anything sitting in it.</div>\n\n<<timedcontinue 2s>>[[There it is again...]]\n

“Great!” Tina says. “Let’s go now, so <<continue "we have enough time.”">>we have enough time.”\n\nSurrounded by friends, my reflection finally looks like me as they apply some lotion, <<continue "paint my eyes and lips.">>paint my eyes and lips.\nShannon tells terrible jokes, and Tina and I try not to laugh as Tina <<continue "does my eyeliner.">>does my eyeliner.\n\n<div class="mirror">Unfortunately, The bell rings and we all look into the mirror at their finished work.</div>\n\n<<timedcontinue 3s>>“There, <<continue "don’t you feel better?” Tina says.">>don’t you feel better?” Tina says.\n\n<<continue "I do.">>I do.\n\nI control what I look like, <<continue "not whatever is on the other side of the mirror.">>not whatever is on the other side of the mirror.\n\n<div class="mirror">They both turn away to get their bags, but I stare in a moment longer.</div>\n\n<<timedcontinue 3s>>My makeup is <<continue "flawless.">>flawless.\n<div class="sinister">My makeup</div> <div class="red">begins to run.</div>\n\n<<continue "No.">>No.\n\nI won’t let a piece of glass make me feel bad, when my friends worked so hard to make me feel good.\n[[I refuse, and turn away.|Part 3]]

<<continue "Everything will be fine.">>Everything will be fine.\n\nI stand to get my own lunch, as Shannon smiles and says she’ll save me her dessert. <<continue "At least that’s stayed the same.">>At least that’s stayed the same.\n\nWe bonded over jello in middle school, and <<continue "jello still remains.">>jello still remains.\n\n<<continue "It's silly.">>It's silly, but sometimes <<continue "the silly things matter.">>the silly things matter.\n\nBut as I’m walking back, looking over to where I’m <<continue "making a new friend">>making a new friend or <<continue "losing an old one.">>losing an old one.\n\n<div class="shake">[[I crash|crash]].</div>\n

<<continue "I’ve had enough.">>"I’ve had enough."\n\nI reach for a can of shaving cream and <<continue "cover the whole mirror in it.">>cover the whole mirror in it.\n<div class="sinister">I</div> <div class="red">reach for a knife</div> <div class="sinister"> and cover th̟ê who̺l̘e ͑m͜irͮror in ͪï͐t.</div>\n\n<<continue "I’m done.">>"I’m done."\n\nI [[won't|final]] keep going like this.

Every visit ends <<continue "the same way.">>the same way.\n\n<<continue "“I’m sorry.”">>“I’m sorry.”\n\nThat I <<continue "didn’t notice.">>didn’t notice, that I wasn’t <<continue "good enough.">>good enough.\n\n<<continue "I should have known.">>I should have known. \n\nI’m <span style="color:#EFDFDF">a</span> <span style="color:#D7AEAE">terrible</span> <span style="color:#BF7E7E">person.</span> <<continue "Arent I?">><span style="color:#AF5E5E">Aren't I?</span>\n\n<div class="mirror">Outside, the window is dark.</div>\n<<timedcontinue 2s>><<continue "I'm crying.">>I'm crying.\n<div class="sinister">I'm</div> <div class="red">smiling.</div>\n<<fadeoutsound "tssmusic/hospital.mp3" >><<remember $mid to 1>>\n<<timedcontinue 3s>>[[The End?|End]]

Before class starts, <<continue "I go back to the bathroom.">>I go back to the bathroom.\n\n<<continue "I’m not afraid anymore.">>I’m not afraid anymore.\n\nEverything might not <<continue "be perfect.">>be perfect, but <<continue "it’s all me.">>it’s all me.\n\n<div class="mirror">I smile, and watch my grin stretch my cheeks in the mirror.</div>\n<<timedcontinue 2s>>Yeah, I can do this.\n\n<<continue "I walk away from the mirror.">>I walk away from the mirror.\n<div class="sinister">I walk away from the mirror,</div> <<timedinsert 3s>><div class="red">and glance back.</div><<endtimedinsert>>\n\n<<timedcontinue 2s>>I think I’m gonna be fine.\n<<remember $good to 1>>\n<<timedcontinue 2s>>[[The End|End]]

<div class="shake">Glass splinters.</div>\n\n<<timedcontinue 3s>>Blood drips down my hand, <<continue "shards of glass sticking from my fist.">>shards of glass sticking from my fist.\n\nBut I move, and <<continue "the mirror moves with me.">>the mirror moves with me.\n<<fadeinsound "tssmusic/mirror2.mp3" >>\nI move and all I see is [[me.]]\n

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She thinks it too. <<continue "Same as the kids at school.">> Same as the kids at school. <<W>>.\n\n“And don’t let your dad complain. He needs it more than all of us with <<continue "his cholesterol.”">>his cholesterol.\n\n<<continue "Excuses, excuses.">>Excuses, excuses.\n\n“Wanna give me something else impossible to do?” <<continue "Like become someone else?">>Like become someone else?\n\nShe frowns at my tone, but <<continue "says nothing.">>says nothing.\n\nI look away.\n<div class="sinister">I</div> <div class="red">sneer at her.</div>\n\n<<timedcontinue 3s>>Dinner tastes like nothing. [[We finish it in silence.|bathr]]

“Everything okay?” Shannon asks once I get back. <<continue "I nod.">>I <em>lie.</em>\n\nShe gives me her jello, and half her pasta. Tina donates a breadstick to the cause. I eat them, even though <<continue "my stomach is churning.">>my stomach is churning.\n\n“Guess I just didn’t sleep much last night.” That would explain it, <<continue "right?">>right?\n\n<<continue "It’s all just nerves.">>It’s all just nerves.\n<<continue "Things will get better once I settle in.">>Things will get better once I settle in.\n<<continue "Things have to get better.">>Things have to get better.\nThey have to.\n<<timedcontinue 3s>>[[Right?|Part2]]

I struggle wildly, <<continue "trying to pull back.">>trying to pull back.\n\n<<continue "I won't give in.">>I won't give in.\n\nI’m not <<cyclinglink "worthless" "a loser" "pathetic">>.\n\nI’m more than what <<continue "reflects in glass and silver.">>reflects in glass and silver.\n\n“GET AWAY FROM ME!” <<continue "I scream.">>I scream.\n<div class="red">“never never never never never”</div> <div class="sinister">I scream.</div>\nBut <<continue "I’m not strong enough.">>I’m not strong enough.\n<div class="sinister">But</div> <div class="red">am I</div> <div class="sinister">strong enough</div><div class="red">?</div>\n<div class="shake">Glass crashes.</div>\n\n<<timedcontinue 1s>>[[We scream.]]\n<<fadeoutsound "tssmusic/mirror2reverse.mp3" >>

<<playsound "tssmusic/engine.mp3" >><<timedcontinue 3s>>High School doesn’t look much different than middle school. The building still looks like a prison, and the ride there is <<continue "just as long.">>just as long.\n\nMy best friend <<insert "Shannon">> <em>(who always looks great)</em><<endinsert>> doesn’t have to take the bus, so I’m on my own on the way there. I pop in my headphones, and <<continue "hope everyone just ignores me.">>hope everyone just ignores me.\n\n[[It's better that way.|It's for the best.]]

But the words sink into me <<continue "like knives.">>like knives. <<continue "They aren't wrong.">>They aren't wrong.\n\nIf I matter then, <<continue "someone would have noticed.">>someone would have <em>cared.</em>\n\nMy hand is reaching through the glass, and <<continue "I can’t do anything.">>I can’t do anything.\n\n<<continue "I’m crying.">>I’m crying.\n<div class="sinister">I’m</div> <div class="red">gleeful.</div>\n<<continue "I’m passing through the glass.">>I’m passing through the glass.\n\n<<continue "It feels like dying.">>It feels like dying.\n<div class="sinister">It feels</div> <div class="red">wonderful.</div>\n[[It’s over.|over]]\n<<fadeoutsound "tssmusic/mirror2reverse.mp3" >>

<<fadeinsound "tssmusic/mirror2reverse.mp3" >>My own face sneers as it <<continue "grabs my wrist through the glass.">>grabs my wrist through the glass.\n\n<div class="red"><<W>> Bitch.</div>\n<<timedcontinue 1s>><div class="red">You think you’re good enough?</div>\n<<timedcontinue 1s>><div class="red">You don’t deserve to be here.</div>\n<<timedcontinue 1s>><div class="red">Pathetic</div>\n<<timedcontinue 1s>><div class="red">Loser</div>\n<<timedcontinue 1s>><div class="red">Worthless</div>\n<<timedcontinue 1s>>My voice echoes in the room, distorted by pain and glass.\n\n<<F>>

Writing and Development by <a href="http://astriddalmady.com/" target="_blank">Astrid Dalmady</a>\nMusic by <a href="http://immortalorchestra1838.bandcamp.com/" target="_blank">Henry Guimaraes</a>\nSound Effects from <a href="https://www.freesound.org" target="_blank">Freesound.org</a>\nScripts from <a href="http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/" target="_blank">Glorious Trainwrecks</a>\nAnd a huge thank you to Mina, Melanie and Sierra for playtesting. It wouldn't be half as good without you.\n\n[[Back|previous()]]

<<if $weight is 'fat'>>a Fat<<endif>><<if $weight is 'skinny'>>an Anorexic<<endif>>

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<<continue "I slam the door behind me.">>I slam the door behind me.\n\nI can’t look at it anymore.\n<div class="sinister">I can’t look at</div> <div class="red">myself</div> <div class="sinister">anymore.</div>\n\n<<timedcontinue 3s>>I [[can't|final]] keep going like this.

<<continue "Lunch can’t come soon enough.">>Lunch can’t come soon enough.\n\nBy the time the bell rings I’ve suffered through <<continue "two terrible teachers.">>two terrible teachers and two whole rooms full of <<continue "people I don’t know.">>people I don’t know.\n\n<<continue "I tried to be friendly.">>I tried to talk to the girl who sat next to me in Math, but <<continue "that didn't work out.">>that didn't work out.\n\n<<continue "She looked nice.">>She looked nice but, before I could even start, <<continue "her own friends sat next to her.">>her own friends sat next to her and I just faded away.\n \n<<timedcontinue 3s>>[[I do that.|lunch]]

<div class="mirror">I look at myself in the mirror, trying to fix whatever I can.</div>\n<div class="mirror">I'm wearing <<cyclinglink $makeup "just a little bit of" "no">> makeup, so that I feel more like myself.</div>\n<div class="mirror">And these clothes should hide how <<cyclinglink $weight "fat" "skinny">> I am.</div>\n\n<<timedcontinue 3s>>[[Yeah, that looks fine.]]\n

<<continue "“You look a little tired.”">>“You look a little tired,” Shannon says at lunch. <<continue "“Is everything okay?”">>“Is everything okay?”\n\nI don’t even consider <<continue "telling her.">>telling her.\n\n<<continue "She wouldn’t understand.">>She wouldn’t understand.\n\nWhen would someone like her ever have any [[problems with their reflection.]]

That Sinister Self

<<timedcontinue 2s>>That weekend, Mom and I are <<continue "making dinner.">>making dinner.\n\nI know I must look exhausted, even though I've <<continue "avoided every mirror in the house today.">>avoided every mirror in the house today.\n\nTonight, we're having chicken and salad. Plain, <<continue "boring.">>boring <em>(like me).</em>\n\n“No rice?” I ask, <<continue "picking up the cutlery.">>picking up the cutlery.\n\nMom smiles and says,[[“I was thinking we could start trying to eat healthier.”|knife]]

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<<timedcontinue 2s>>You never realize how hard it is to <<continue "avoid mirrors until you have to.">>avoid mirrors until you have to.\n\nThey’re <<continue "everywhere.">>everywhere. In cars, in bathrooms, in windows, <<continue "in water.">>in water.\n\nBut in the end, [[you can’t avoid yourself forever.|yourself]]

My face glints, reflected in the knife in my hand.\n<div class="sinister">My face glints,</div> <div class="red">grinning as a I hold a</div> <div class="sinister">knife in my hand.</div>\n\n<<continue "“Oh?”">>“Oh?”\n\nShe just smiles. “Yeah, I figured we could <<continue "all make some changes in our diet, you know?”">>all make some changes in our diet, you know?”\n\nI pass by the kitchen window.\n<div class="red"><<W>> Bitch </div>\n\n[[“Mom?”|w choice]]

On Monday, I meet Shannon and Tina at lunch, <<continue "as usual.">>as usual.\n\n“What happened to your hand!” <<continue "Shannon looks so worried.">>Shannon looks so worried.\n\n“I kinda got into a fight, but things are better now.” <<continue "I say.">>I say. <<continue "“It’s been a weird couple of days.”">>“It’s been a weird couple of days.”\n\nShannon looks ready to punch out <<continue "whoever hurt after me.">>whoever hurt after me, and even <<continue "Tina looks worked up.">>Tina looks worked up.\n\nThey’d been <<continue "worried.">>worried <em>(they care)</em>, and it makes me feel even <<continue "stronger.">>stronger.\n\nTina offers me her jello this time, and it tastes so god damn sweet. [[Like victory.|better]]\n

<<timedcontinue 3s>><<fadeinsound "tssmusic/mirror2.mp3" >>The next day, I meet Shannon and Tina <<continue "at the cafeteria.">>at the cafeteria.\n\n“Looks like somebody finally got some sleep,” <<continue "Shannon teases.">>Shannon teases.\n\nI laugh. <<continue "“Yeah, I feel great.”">>“Yeah, I feel great.”\n\n“You look great,” <<continue "says Tina.">>says Tina.\n\n<<continue "I know I do.">>I know I do.\n\nFor lunch, I change it up, eating exactly what I should. Have to <<W2>> weight <<continue "after all.">>after all.\n\n<<W4>>\n\n<<timedcontinue 2s>>Today, everyone <<continue "looks at me.">>looks at me <em>(not through me, [[never again]]).</em>\n

<div class="mirror">I lean in to the mirror.</div>\n<<timedcontinue 3s>><div class="mirror">I raise my right hand.</div>\n<<timedcontinue 3s>><div class="mirror">I raise my left hand.</div>\n<<timedcontinue 3s>><div class="mirror">"This is so weird," I say to no one.</div>\n<<timedcontinue 3s>>"Maybe I'm just imagining things," I say to myself.\n<div class="red">"Maybe I'm just <<W3>> Bitch,"</div> <div class="sinister"> I say to myself.</div>\n<<continue "SHIT!">>SHIT!\n\n[[I run.]]\n<div class="sinister">I</div> <div class="red">cackle.</div>

<<continue "“WATCH IT!”">>“WATCH IT!”\n\nI’m on the floor, <<continue "covered in meat sauce and jello.">>covered in meat sauce and jello. The boy across from me <<continue "didn’t fare much better.">>didn’t fare much better.\n\nHe, at least, managed to stay standing, so he looks down at me as he wipes at his shirt <<continue "in disgust.">>in disgust.\n\nWhen the stains don’t manage to come out, he turns to walk away and mutters \n\n[[“<<W>> bitch”.|bitch]]

That night, I get ready to bed when <<continue "I notice myself in the darkened window.">>I notice myself in the darkened window.\n\nI’m not wearing any makeup.\n<div class="sinister">I’m</div> <div class="red">wearing a faceful of</div> <div class="sinister">makeup.</div>\n\nI slam the curtains shut, and go to bed. I’m going to sleep tonight, <<continue "no matter what.">>no matter what.\n\n[[A reflection doesn’t mean anything if I’m not there to look at it, right?|Part 3]]\n

<<nobr>>\n<<if $game is 4>>\n[[I Struggle.|good]]\n<<endif>>\n<<if $game is 3>>\n[[I Struggle.|good]]\n<<endif>>\n<<if $game is 2>>\n[[I Struggle.|mid]]\n<<endif>>\n<<if $game is 1>>\n[[I Struggle.|bad]]\n<<endif>>\n<<if $game is 0>>\n[[I Struggle.|bad]]\n<<endif>>\n<<endnobr>>

That was weird. <<continue "A trick of the light?">>A trick of the light?\n\n<div class="mirror">I look in the window again and smile. I frown. I stick my tongue out.</div>\n\n<<timedcontinue 3s>><div class="shake">"HEY KID! TIME TO GET OFF!"</div>\n\n<<timedcontinue 3s>>The bus driver shouts back at me. The people left on the bus [[laugh.]]

<<continue "Everything has changed already.">>Everything has changed already.\n\nI stand to get my own lunch, as Shannon smiles and says she’ll save me her dessert. <<continue "At least that’s stayed the same.">>At least that’s stayed the same.\n\nWe bonded over jello in middle school, and <<continue "jello still remains.">>jello still remains.\n\n<<continue "It's silly.">>It's silly, but sometimes <<continue "the silly things matter.">>the silly things matter.\n\nBut as I’m walking back, looking over to where I’m <<continue "making a new friend">>making a new friend or <<continue "losing an old one.">>losing an old one.\n\n<div class="shake">[[I crash|crash]].</div>\n\n

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But now it's lunch time, and the day should finally <<continue "start to look up.">>start to look up.\n\nIn middle school, Shannon and I used to always take the tables closest to the doors <<continue "of the cafeteria.">>of the cafeteria to avoid the noise and presence of <<continue "other people.">>other people.\n\nBut today she’s sitting somewhere in the middle, already with <<continue "another girl.">>another girl.\n\n<<continue "They’re talking.">>They’re talking, Shannon laughing so hard she’s covering her face from it. \n\n<<timedcontinue 2s>>[[It takes her a long time to notice me.|Tina]]

<<timedcontinue 2s>>All week, I catch the mirror <<continue "moving out of the corner of my eye.">>moving out of the corner of my eye.\n\nWhen I'm brushing my hair, I'll be using my <<continue "right hand.">>right hand.\n<div class="sinister">When I'm brushing my hair, I'll be using my</div> <div class="red">left</div> <div class="sinister">hand.</div>\n\nAs I wash my face, water will drip harmlessly <<continue "down my cheeks.">>down my cheeks.\n<div class="sinister">As I wash my face,</div> <div class="red">blood</div> <div class="sinister">will drip harmlessly down my cheeks.</div>\n\n<<timedcontinue 3s>>[[Am I going crazy?]]\n\n

<<fadeinsound "tssmusic/mirror2.mp3" >>They say she tried to kill herself, but <<continue "I don’t believe it.">>I <em>can’t</em> believe it.\n\nAnd every weekend, I go visit, even though they say <<continue "she can’t hear me.">>she can’t hear me.\n\n<<timedcontinue 2s>>[[It's the least I can do.|answer]]

<<fadeinsound "tssmusic/hospital.mp3" >><<timedcontinue 5s>>My best friend is <<continue "in the hospital.">>in the hospital.\n\nAnd every visit starts <<continue "the same way.">>the same way.\n\n<<continue "“Hey, it’s Shannon again.”">>“Hey, it’s Shannon again.”\n\nThe machines beep steadily.\n\n<<timedcontinue 2s>>[[She doesn’t answer.|hear]]

<<if $weight is 'fat'>>Fat<<endif>><<if $weight is 'skinny'>>Anorexic<<endif>>

That night, I get ready to bed when <<continue "I notice myself in the darkened window.">>I notice myself in the darkened window.\n\nI’m not wearing any makeup.\n<div class="sinister">I’m</div> <div class="red">wearing a face full of</div> <div class="sinister">makeup.</div>\n\nI shut the curtains and bury myself under the covers <<continue "with the lights on.">>with the lights on.\n\n[[Does a reflection go away if I’m not there to look at it?|Part 3]]

Mom and Dad had gone out for <<continue "a date night.">>a date night, so I'm all alone tonight.\n\nSo tonight, <<continue "I face it.">>I face it.\n<div class="sinister">So tonight, I face</div> <div class="red">myself.</div>\n\n<<continue "I can’t run away anymore.">>I can’t run away anymore.\n\nI go to the bathroom and [[look in the mirror.|I turn to the mirror.]]

“And don’t let your dad complain. He needs it more than all of us with <<continue "his cholesterol.”">>his cholesterol.\n\n“Wanna give me something else impossible to do mom?” <<continue "I joke.">>I joke.\n\n<<continue "She laughs.">>She laughs.\n\n<div class="mirror">I laugh.</div>\n\n<<timedcontinue 3s>>Dinner’s bland, but mom keeps snickering every time dad complains, we end up [[in giggles|bathr]] halfway through our salads.

I turn around, hearing everyone giggling at me as they leave.\n<div class="sinister">I</div> <div class="red">laugh along with </div> <div class="sinister">everyone giggling at me as they leave.</div>\n\n[[So much for a new start...|Shannon]]

I smile one last time into the mirror, and rush to take the bus.\n<<timedreplace 3s>> <div class="sinister">I smile one last time into the mirror, and rush to take the bus.</div> <<becomes>><div class="sinister">I smile</div> <div class="red">sinisterly through</div> <div class="sinister">the mirror, and rush to take the bus.</div><<endtimedreplace>>\n\n<<timedcontinue 5s>>Today's a new start, [[right?]]

<<stopsound "tssmusic/mirror2.mp3" >><<fadeinsound "tssmusic/mirror2.mp3" >><<forget $game>><<continue "I'm scared.">>I'm scared.\n\nIt's dumb, but <<continue "I am.">>I am.\n\nScared of something stupid like <<continue"the first day of school.">>the first day of school.\n\nBut I just keep <<continue "thinking.">>thinking about what people see when they look at me.\n\n[[Do they see the same thing I do?|one more time]]

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“Maybe not today,” I say, and they both frown. <<continue "“B-but thanks.”">>“B-but thanks.”\n\nShannon looks a bit sad, but she knows I don’t like makeup. “Oh! <<continue "I know what’ll make you feel better.”">>I know what’ll make you feel better.\n\n<<continue "She runs off.">>She runs off and comes back with an extra jello.\n\nI feel myself smile for <<continue "the first time this week.">>the first time this week.\n\nI don’t really have the appetite for the rest of the food, but [[at least I eat that.|bare no 2]]\n

<<if $weight is 'fat'>>And of course, I skip dessert. Jello or no jello.<<endif>><<if $weight is 'skinny'>>And of course, I have dessert, just anything but jello.<<endif>>

But everything looks <<continue "normal.">>normal.\n\n<div class="mirror">I make a face.</div>\n\n<<timedcontinue 2s>><div class="mirror">I stick my tongue out.</div>\n\n<<timedcontinue 2s>><div class="mirror">I wave my right hand.</div>\n\n<<timedcontinue 2s>><<continue "Had I just imagined it all?">>Had I just imagined it all?\n\n<<continue "Was it all just in my head?">>Was it all just in my head?\n\nI reach out <<continue "towards the mirror.">>towards the mirror.\n<div class="sinister">I reach out towards</div> <div class="red">the real world.</div>\n<<fadeoutsound "tssmusic/mirror2.mp3" >>\nAnd I know [[I was wrong.|late]]

<<if $weight is 'fat'>>lose<<endif>><<if $weight is 'skinny'>>gain<<endif>>

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Astrid Dalmady

“Do you think I need to <<W2>> weight?” <<continue "My voice splinters.">>My voice splinters.\n\n<<continue "It's bad enough that I can't stand to look at myself.">>It's bad enough that I can't stand to look at myself.\n\n“Oh honey, <<continue "you’re perfect.”">>you’re perfect, I just want to make sure we’re all healthy, that’s all.” \n\n<<timedcontinue 2s>><ul><li>[[But I know the way she looks at me...|looked at me]]</li><li>[[Change never hurt anyone...|salad][$game +=1]]</li></ul>

Shannon is waiting for me by my locker, clutching her schedule in <<continue "her hand.">>her hand.\n\nTurns out, we don't even share one class, <<continue "despite our best efforts.">>despite our best efforts.\n\n<<continue "“We can still have lunch together.”">>“We can still have lunch together,” she says with <<replace>>a smile<<becomes>>a perfect smile<<endreplace>> that does nothing to encourage me. \n\n[[I can already tell today is gonna suck.|fade]]

But when we're nearly there,\nI catch my reflection in the glass as I look out at the school, and sigh.\n<<timedreplace 1.5s>><div class="sinister">I catch my reflection in the glass as I look out at the school, and sigh.</div> <<becomes>><div class="sinister">I catch my reflection in the glass as I look out at the school, and</div> <div class="red">grin.</div><<endtimedreplace>>\n\n<<timedcontinue 2.5s>>...[[what?]]